Danse Macabre *Dance of Death* Melancholic Meanderings

Life sets you up for big disappointments.


I'm not talking about small stuff. But those do count as well.. Too many small failures = a huge failure.


In life, as you grow up, meet new people, make new friends, gain a family member or 2, lose some as well, at some point or another, you have to learn to trust somebody. Be it your flesh and blood, or friends. It's mostly based on trust and honesty and love. Without such, these relationships would be meaningless.


I feel that these people who are closest to you, who love you so much.. May actually never see, when you need them most.


My mama doesn't really believe in depression. At least, in most cases she feels it's just people wanting more attention. Which is true, to a certain extent. But it's those same people who want, but don't get, attention that really become depressed. That's the way i think.


I am not an attention seeking whore. Have never been, i feel.. Most of the time i fade into the woodwork while my more vivacious friends are in the spotlight. To me, the attention of strangers or people i do not know well, mean nothing. I don't lack of it, or crave it.


But i want attention from the people who claim to love me, to be there for me when i need them. Why is it they can never see me screaming out for them? I may cover it up well, i have been covering up for a long time. But can't the cracks in my veneer be seen?


A simple request, is actually not just a simple request if i keep pushing and pushing. Why do you think i do? Because i don't feel like myself, and i need someone. Can't you see??


Must i paint it in RED dripping letters? I can't scream it from the rooftops coz i've got no voice. Must i break down in front of you and beg? Sometimes, even begging is not enough.


Not having a voice, not being able to talk, is killing me. Feeling this kinda anguish but yet, not being able to express it verbally, is torture.


I dunno what to say, I feel sick, tired, like I'm wasting my life away. These few days, without him, without most, makes me feel isolated.


Sure, I'm home with my mama and sis, but they don't see. Albeit, my mama has been very nice to me, coz I'm sick. But maternal concern is not always enough.


I'm sure at one point or another, we feel that no one understands us. But if you have someone there for you, things look better.


I'm not a bitch. An unreasonable person. But sometimes i wish that i could mold my world and the people in it, the way i want it to be. I think everyone would like to do that as well.


I'm sick of these episodes. They leave me feeling extremely emotional and vulnerable. Weak and lethargic. As i have said before.. It makes me want to do dangerous things. Dammit!
It's not about attention. it's about the people close to you being able to see.


Why do people end their own lives? Because of overwhelming stress? Problems? BGR issues? Family matters? Maybe they could have been saved if the people around them had noticed, cared, tried to do something about it? Maybe, maybe not..



Who am I to presume,
What makes or breaks a man
I am but human
I take what life has to offer
I try to give it back sometimes
But life hurts
Living
Tediously
On the edge
Of the abyss



I used to think the best way to die was, in your sleep, without any pain.
I have since changed my mind.
Jumping off a high cliff would be nice.
At least, you get to fly before you die. *Splat!*



Do not be mistaken, my family cares for me alot. Even if they don't see me that well. I'm talking about other relationships. Friendships. To me, a good friend knows you the best. Because you can confide in them certain things that you can't tell your family. Why can't i depend on them? Why?



I am NOT suicidal, do not be alarmed with the tone of this post. I will not suddenly jump off from the Westin or something.


I'm just feeling really low, down and vulnerable at the moment. In a melancholic mood. Fuck


*Shakes head*


It would have been a great night to go clubbing. I needed some distraction. But, I'm stuck at home.

I have other friends. But i don't want them to feel obliged to keep me company.

I could have gone with Mel. He for one, is very nice to me and will seldom turn me down. But for what purpose? He does not know me well enough. In the mood I'm in, he won't know how to handle me. Better not.


*The opportunity slips away*


Not being able to speak is a good excuse for not wanting to speak.



Strike me down
Pick me up
Let me die
Let me rot
Burn a hole
In the ground
Dump a body
Dance around

** The Dance of Death
we always do
for the ones we love
and i love you...



Nice? *shiversss* In a very macabre frame of mind.

Can i turn that into a song? Hmmmmm... *thinks*


What the fuck, i am sprewing nonsense. Don't mind me.