Ceci me tue

I spent the day watching Anime... Kawaii ne~



I feel very frustrated, partially due to my own doing. With other contributing factors as well.. It got so bad that i was suddenly overwhelmed by how awful i feel, and i cried like a fucking baby in the bathroom.



What's wrong with me?



I know, in a way I'm just making myself worse. But i can't seem to help it. Yes, i should be looking for a proper job but i don't want too..



I'm a immature, lazy biatch.



Make that immature, lazy, fat biatch.



So I'm making myself depressed and fat. The cycle goes, "eat chocolate, break out more, depressed" I eat and eat... My face is a fucking trailer park, littered with pimples.. *Bah* Then i look at myself and feel sorry for pathetic lil me. *ARGH*



I AM SO PATHETIC



I have nothing to be proud of. And i just can't let go of how unfair life is. I compare myself to people who have more, but not to those who have less. I gripe and moan and sit on my ass, doing nothing to work for what i might like to have. I wanted dance lessons, japanese classes but i couldn't get it. Some people get all the luck. I just feel that i deserve more. I try hard, i really do. But i didn't get it, it's just the luck of the draw.



My sis doesn't respect me. That really kills me. I have all these plans of working really hard to get her whatever she may need for her future. Possibly sending her overseas to pursue her dream. But she is soooooo... The way she talks to me, or doesn't. The attitude.. is getting to me.. I love her so much, but i can't seem to puncture her tough chick facade. Haiz *downcast* So many times i feel like giving up, throwing in the towel.. But i can't. Blood is thicker then water.

I just hope that one day, she may suddenly realise how unfair she is to me. And see how much i am willing to sacrifice for her. Just to make her love me back and show me respect. I guess i haven done much to make my family proud, besides getting my diploma. At least that's something.



My mama says I'm gullible. That made me really pissed. I am NOT gullible at all. I may act silly, even stupid sometimes. But she doesn't realise that i do that to make her laugh. Instead, she says I'm gullible.

The misconceptions that people have of me. I guess it's better then letting them see how i really feel.

I would rather people think me silly and bimbotic then know I'm feeling freaking depressed. It's an act. I thought that at least she would know that I'm smarter then that, but she doesn't. She worries for me because of what she thinks I am. Easily cheated, etc etc.. I guess my sis thinks that way too. Little do they know that i just wanna entertain them.

I do things to make them laugh.. On purpose.. I sometimes act act ignorant, sometimes... I'm the first to admit that my general knowledge is horrible, but I am not some silly bimbo ok. ARGH, whatever.. I don't care anymore. I don't feel like being nice and trying to make people happy or feel better about themselves. I try to do little things to show i care and in the end.. I get rudeness and ignorance.

Whatever



I just wanna get some stuff off my chest, at least i can sleep abit better tonight. I can't stand my own whining and griping anymore. I have to stop.



Him? Don't even go there. I am so unsure about what i want right now and not in the best frame of mind. I guess i take it out on him abit, and he doesn't understand me. It's so sad.. The person that ought to know me better, doesn't know me at all.

Did i mention that he wants to marry me? To him, that is what the future holds. I am so torn..


Enough of this.

Off for some therapeutic anime.


je me sens laid